Interview with the Shortpants Romance at the Stoneham Lawndart Sex Emporium
Valmont: Ok Shortpants..(Knock Knock!Chanted from the Pipes of Simon)…Romance. What came first: Bob Dylan or Jesus Christ?/Interchangeable with Hamburger Helper.
Rulph: I say Herpes
Simon:I say Whoopi Goldberg Man!
Laugh Laugh
Valmont: Please tell me the relationship you have with the works of George Micheal ?
Rulph: Intimate?!
VL:Pls elaborate on what is wonderful about George Michael?
Rulph: Being engaged to him on a gay to day basis
Simon: Leem Lohm Summer Wardrobe Lohm a Lohm ya?!(The Quebec Stardust Cowbow by the way)
VL: I noticed on your Myspace page, for Influences you have your booking details and email!!….laugh laugh…Can you pls explain why that is?…Nuthin?
R: I was going to put Loggins and the Messiah
V:You mean Messina right?
R:I mean Messiah…Catherine was the one that came up with the page
V:So what kind of court proceedings have you taken against ShortpantS Romance the comic book?
R:That’s a tough one! We’ll have to get things sorted out with Shortpants Romance: The band and Hotpants Romance who are getting in our Aquavelvet. They’re from Brixton.
V:If you weren’t aware, there is a comic book, and justed wanted to state for the record, the dreck of shitness that this comic book derives from. If I were you, I would look for some sort of out of court settlement….It is defaming?
R: I’ll take that as a yes
V: Ok next question. Cake or Pie?
Simon: I just made some potato chips. Want some?
V: What’s next for Vintage Violence Releases. Have you approached Alan Jackson? What’s coming up?
R: The B-sides to Anal Gunt & an lp of Syrian Cancer Chants on plexiglass/disk that could clamp together & form a pentagram….which could be worn like an oufit
V: An outfit like Devo you mean?
R: An outfit like Alice Cooper….
V:Alice Cooper is an outfit! He’s a serious operating machine!
R:Alice is the Cooper is thee Alice Cooper.
V:Thank you! That was the canned-swer that I was looking for…We’re getting to the serious pieces of the interview.
V:Who is Lady Shakespeare & where is Lesbos Island? Is it off the expressway by chance? I’ve heard’!
R:Lady Shakespeare was a song I was inspired to write after dropping into a bar for a beer & there was a profiled Lesbian poetry reading. I just felt appalled by the whole thing, so I went home & penned the song.
V:You’re drowning out your Lesbian community of fans! You realize that right?
R:I realize it. I’m just trimming off the fat……Lesbians…….
V:Hated!
R:Gaston Gaetan Allain. Dhat’s meye nayhme!
V:This one’s for Simon. How’s this for a nickname Assault & Battery….What do you think of Granmas with Purple Hair? What do you think of that trend that occurred for a short window of time?
S:I have a lot of fun hanging out with Girls
V:with Ladies four times your age with the Purple Perm???
S: Yap.They would entertain Truckers and Teamsters at a Strip Club near the Quebec Border…yeah….That’s how Jacksonville was made!
V: Rarf, when you’re creating visionary art masterpieces. Is there such a thing as too much Glue and Macaroni?
R: I guess what hinders from creating my Magnum Opus is that I can’t access enough glue to build the Ralph Castle.
V: Let’s Discuss band imagery shall we. Shotguns ,Violence, Hee Haw. I’m just grasping at the Olive branch here, but are you in preparations for when the shit hits & gets launched at the ceiling fan of life?
ShR: Well you know the saying from a great poet …David Duke was his name from the KKK…..umm scratch that. Umm Shotguns, Violence. I guess I’m just trying to compensate for my feminine side.
rrrrV:…Next Question. Who’s ‘new’ album are you looking more forward towards? 2pac’s or Burt Cocaine? Where the fuck are they finding all this lost material!!!
R: R:As everybody knows. Music comes from the same place. You know what they call it the corporate machine. It’sactually a real machine & records just come out of them. They press a button it gets recorded. You don’t even need the Artists. The machine just figures it out.
V: So it figures out the next record, Mitsou as an example and bam it’s there?
R:Bang Bang Thank you mam. That’s it!
V:What’s a Disco hit that captures the Spirit of Shortpants and why?
S: I remember back in 72…
V:…That early huh! Wow you were right there in the beginning period??!
S: I was there when Jizz Symons released his song. I came on your Wizard’s face!
V:What is wrong with having a fucking trust fund. Why do you have such a hatred of kids & trust funds
R: It’s called Trust fund envy. I live a lifetime marathon.
V:That’s what I thought!
V: Any words to your to potential fans from neighboring villages that go to leer over your record at an HMV?
R:Put it back or pay for it S: It’s not a fucking library!
